Copernicus

Actors: 5-6
Reference: Truth
Notes: All characters *must* have Italian accents. They are imperative to the punch line! Lots of big, Italian gestures will help too, to make up for the lack of movement in the skit. But don’t worry if Italian isn’t your strong- suite - the worse the accent the better!

Full Script

[View Synopsis Only]
Scene: Mama, Mona, Louisa, and Copernicus’ brother are gathered in the family home, waiting for Copernicus to appear...

Louisa: (Yawn) Why in the world has Copernicus gathered us all here so close to nap time?

Mama: Oh, Louisa, can’t you see? All the people you see here are very important to mi Banbino, Copernicus. You, his favorite teacher, his brother, his wife... clearly he has something important to tell us... and yet, you make a good point. (Turns to Mona) You the wife! Why don’t you go get some food for us all?

Mona: Oh Mama, we don’t need any food right now! Besides, I just figured we could just order out for pizza when it was time for dinner.

Mama: Some wife you are - but-a I suppose you are right about the time. Maybe just some Capachinos to tide us over then? (Copernicus walks into the middle of this discussion and heads for the center of the group, trailed by his female research assistant who takes up a position to his left, looking very ill at ease)

Copernicus: Oh, good. I am so glad you have all agreed to be here. As you may have guessed, I have something very important to tell you. Indeed, it is something I must tell the world. but I thought I should start with my closest and most trusted companions - my family! Now, I have two - no, three - confessions to make to you all...

Mona: (wails) Ohhhh!

Copernicus: Oh, no, no, my wife, not that kind of confession! Although, of course, I don’t suppose that you will like these confessions either - indeed, they could spell the end of everything I have gained from my work. This fine home, my beautiful lab, all paid for by the King’s research grant, the three car garage - although that’s OK since cars haven’t been invented yet....

Mama: (aside to Mona) Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?

Mona: No.

Copernicus: Oh, never mind. I digress. What is important are the confessions themselves. Now, I have dictated them all to my assistant, who has taken good notes for me that I will now read to you.
(The notes, which up to this point have been held nervously in front of the assistant, suddenly find their way behind her back.)

Assistant: Oh, Maestro, you do not need to read from your notes! They are for King, yes?

Copernicus: No, I need to notes now.

Assistant: No - no you don’t. You can just say everything from memory, yes?

Copernicus: Give me the notes!

Assistant: (Desparate) But Maestro!

Copernicus: (wrenches them from her, and begins to read) I have determined that the sun does indeed revolve around...

Copernicus: (“tsk-ing” and wagging his finger at the assistant) Naughty, Naughty, my assistant. This is not what I told you to write. (To the others) It is so hard to get good held these days! (Hands the notes back) All right, I will just tell you what I have to say.
(The assistant has her head down covers her face in despair as Copernicus proceeds.)

Copernicus: First of all, the Sun does not revolve around the Earth - in fact, it is the other way around. We revolve around the sun. See?
(Shocked gasps all around) I know that this is a lot to take in all at once, but I will throw in the second confession anyway - it is a corollary. See, we are not even the closest planet to the Sun. In between us are .... er... what were they again?

Assistant: (morosely) Venus and Mercury.

Copernicus: Ah yes, Venus and Mercury... (turning on the assistant) And now, for you! Why did you not write what I told you to write?

Assistant: Maestro - it was for your own good! It... it was for my own good!

Copernicus: As I thought!

Assistant: But Maestro, don’t you see? Don’t you know how hard it is for a woman to get work in science here in the fourteenth century?

Copernicus: Actually, my assistant, it is the sixteenth century.

Assistant: Whatever century - you know how hard it is for a female in science here in the olden days! And now - now you have flushed both of our careers down the proverbial toilet!

Mama: What is a toilet?

Copernicus: It is like an outhouse, Mama...

Mama: (shocked) Ohhhh!

Copernicus: But it flushes - whoosh!

Assistant: (despairingly) We invented it last week...

Copernicus: But you see, my assistant, I can no longer cover the truth! You know as well as I that I made this discovery some time ago and have only now worked up the courage to tell. Certainly others will make this find this out later, and they will say “That Copernicus - he knew this, and he did not tell. He is a coward and a deceiver!”

Assistant: No, no - I have already considered that, and I have the perfect solution!

Copernicus: What is that?

Assistant: If they find out, all you have to do is stand up in front of a whole lot of people and say (strikes a pose) “Indeed, I deeply regret having mislead you” - and everyone will be happy!

Mona: Yes, yes! That would work!

Copernicus: No, no - I could not do that!

Mama: All the women will love you!

Copernicus: But I already have a wife...

Mona: Yes, yes you do! And think of me! Look - Look! You see our beautiful table!

Copernicus: Yes, and a very expensive one at that.

Mona: And our grand piano! Now I will no longer be able to play for you!

Copernicus: But you cannot play the piano!

Mama: But she could learn!

Louisa: She was taking lessons!

Mona: Yes - and see - the loveseat and the couch! They are brand new!

Copernicus: Yes, my wife, and they match beautifully. You are right, we will probably loose them as well.

Mona: And, and, that nice young-a DaVinci fellow we just hired to paint my portrait! How can smile for him when I know all of this is coming...

Copernicus: Oh, Mona - I’m sure you’ll find a way. Just smile as big as you can!

Mona: But my house! My possessions! They are all so important to me!

Copernicus: Yes, I know, and I enjoy them too. But don’t you see? The truth is far more important than any tables or pianos or houses. I must tell!

Mona: Oh! You don’t care about me. (Runs to Mama and sobs in her arms.)

Brother: (stepping forward) Since you do not listen to your wife, perhaps you will listen to me!

Copernicus: Ah, yes. My Brother the brother.

Brother: Yes - Think about what you are saying! Everybody knows that the Bible itself says that the Earth is the center of the universe and that everything revolves around it!

Copernicus: But, my brother! With a portion of the King’s generous research grant, I bought myself a Bible, and I have been reading it.

Mama: Oh!!! (crosses herself)

Copernicus: Yes, it is true, Mama. And I do not see anything there that says that! It seems rather neutral on the subject, in fact.

Brother: But what will the Pope think? I will be kicked out of the monastery!

Copernicus: Perhaps... but here. How about this? You can tell the Pope that, just as the earth revolves around the sun, so the people on the earth revolve around the Son of God? (impressed at his own cleverness) Pretty good, yes?

Brother: (After a “beat”) He’s-a gonna hang you!

Louisa: (stepping forward) Well, since you will not listen to them, perhaps you will listen to me!

Copernicus: Who are you?

Mama: Why, Bambino, this is your oldest and favorite teacher from your youth, silly boy!

Copernicus: (bending down to his knees and looking up at Louisa) Ah, yes. I can recognize you from this angle.

Louisa: Now, listen to me, and we can iron this whole thing out. Do we not all have eyes in our heads? (gesturing broadly) We can all see that the sun, she comes-a up in the East, and she goes down-a in the West. Up- a in the East, Down-a in the West!

Copernicus: No, it just looks the way. See, we are standing on a moving object...

Louisa: No! I will not hear it! Now, just look at me and say “I am Wrong-ga!” and all will be forgiven!

Copernicus: You are wrong-ga and you will be forgiven!”

Louisa: No! YOU are Wrong-ga!

Copernicus: YOU are Wrong-ga!

Louisa: Oh! I give up! Someone else must talk some sense into him!

Mama: (approaching and getting “in his face.” Hopefully she is shorter than he and can stand on tip-toe) Copernicus, you listen to your mama!

Copernicus: I’m listening to you Mama.

Mama: No! You listen to your mama!

Copernicus: (cowering a bit) I’m listening, Mama!

Mama: No! You listen to your mama!

Copernicus: Mama, how can I help but listen to you?

Mama: (snapping out of it) Copernicus, you are talking like a crazy-man!

Copernicus: No, Mama, I’m not crazy.

Mama: Yes, you are acting like a crazy-man! Now think, Copernicus. Who will believe your crazy theories about planets and rotating earths and all this craziness?

Copernicus: Why - everyone eventually, for I must tell everyone!

Mama: No! Only the young-a rebellious ones will believe! Isn’t that right?

Copernicus: Well, perhaps, for a while. The young often accept new theories more quickly.

Mama: Yes, and then what will happen? All the young ones will say “See, we are smarter than our parents - than our elders! Because our elders - they did not tell us that the earth revolves around the sun. We learned this ourselves!” And then they will no longer respect their elders and all will be lost!

Copernicus: No, Mama. They won’t stop respecting their...

Mama: Yes they will! They will all become disrespectful, just like you, Bambino! (putting on quite a show, collapses into Mona’s arms, sobbing.)

Copernicus: Mama, I’m not disrespecting you!

Brother: (approaching Copernicus and shoving) Hey! You’re disrespecting Mama!

Copernicus: (shoving back) No I’m not! I’m...

Mona: Wait! (everyone stops) Copernicus, You said you had three confessions, but you have only told us two! What is the third?

Everyone: yeah - he did say that - what is it - etc.

Copernicus: Oh yes-a. My third-a confession... Well, this one is rather difficult for me... You see-a... (suddenly drops the bad accent.) I don’t really speak with a bad Italian accent. (perks up) Actually, I’m Polish, but my accent is more of a Western American...

Brother: (stepping on the line) Really? Me either!
Everyone: Me either! Or me! Me Too! etc.

Copernicus: (who has been spinning around to look at each new confessor) Really? I’d always thought yours was really bad! You either Mama? etc.

Louisa: Well, now that we’ve got that settled, why don’t we go out for Chinese? I am sick of Italian food!

Assistant: Me too! Let’s have burritos!

Brother: How about hamburgers?

Copernicus: I’d like some Borscht!

Mama: (who has suddenly acquired a Boston accent) I’d really love some chow-da!
(All troop-off stage right)




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