The Benevolent and Protective Order of Large, Fur-Bearing Mammals

Actors: 6
Reference: Genesis 11:1-8
Notes: You'll need a chair for everyone, plus a funny hat, vest, or some other ceremonial symbol of power.
This sketch can easily be performed with fewer or more actors of either sex. If you are adding or subtracting actors, note that we choose the names alphabetically as a memory aid.
Also, the microphone gag was especially effective when we performed this skit - and really wasn't too difficult.

Full Script

[View Synopsis Only]

Scene: A row of chairs occupied by Annie, Bob, Celia, Didi, and Evelyn is arranged facing the audience. A gap occupied by an invisible podium and microphone splits the row. Fred stands behind the podium.

Fred: (softly) Good evening Ladies and Gent- (looks quizzically at the microphone, taps it, and emits a horrible feedback screech before he gets it turned on. Others roll their eyes and mutter about how this happens every week.) Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the 25th annual awards ceremony of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Large, Fur-Bearing Mammals. (polite applause.) Thank you all for coming tonight, and without further ado, lets begin distributing these awards!
Our first award is for the "Shiniest Car," and goes this year to… ANNIE!

(More applause as Annie gets up and bounces to the podium)

Annie: (Forgetting the mic) Thank you so much for this... (Fred directs her to the mic) (Loudly) Thank you so much for this award! I just knew I was going to get it again this year! You know, owning a Lincoln is a real responsibility! I was out there every Sunday afternoon with my 100% natural, lint-free polishing cloth and Professional Strength Turtle Wax, but getting this award just makes it all worth it. And I know I'll be getting it again next year! (More applause as Annie sits and Fred returns)

Fred: Congratulations, Annie. Our next award is for "Most cans contributed to the Food Drive," and it'll be no surprise that it goes to Bob again this year. (Polite applause as Bob, who was on his feet before Fred even finished talking, approaches the podium.)

Bob: (softly) Thank you so much (reaches the mic) for this award! I just knew I was going to win this year because I donated 900 cans of refried beans! (someone loudly remarks as an aside that everybody knows Bob owns the factory as Bob returns to his seat.)

Fred: Yes, well, thank you Bob for all those beans. Our next award is for "Most pets." (Didi and Celia both look expectant) It was really close this year, but Celia pulled ahead at the last moment when her goat had kids last week! (applause, Didi deflates, Celia bounces to the mic.)

Celia: Oh Thank You, thank you, thank you! I just knew Shaggy would win it for me this year! (without pausing for breath) I'd like to thank my mother, who took care of my pets when I was on vacation, and I'd like to thank IAMS, who makes those new chicken and rice kibbles that are so good for my cats, and Pet Co., who makes those great little rawhide bones my dogs love, (people begin to roll their eyes) and I'd like the take a moment to encourage everyone to boycott "The Price is Right," because if I'd listened to Bob Barker, I never would have won, and I'd like to thank Dr. Chang, the veterinarian, and.... (Fred pulls her away form the mic) Thanks everyone!

Fred: Yes, and thank you Celia. Our next award is for "biggest smile." Folks, this award gets passed around every year, and this year, it falls to Didi! (applause as Didi, who is extremely straight faced - but not frowning - approaches the mic)

Didi: (in a monotone - not in the mic) Thank you very much for... (Fred adjusts the mic) Thank you very much for this award. This is the happiest day of my life.

Fred: And thank you, Didi. That is just an award-winning smile Didi - and now you can tell everyone that it really is, heh heh. Folks, our final award of the evening is to my successor, the next Grand Poo-Bah of the Benevolent and Protective Order of the Large, Fur-Bearing Mammals, and I'm sure it comes as no surprise that this year, the honor falls to Evelyn. (Evelyn approaches the podium.) Evelyn, I hearby pass to you the ceremonial hat of power of the Fur-Bearing Mammals, and with it all the responsibilities of leading this distinguished order. Wear it with pride and may you carry your duties with dignity and success. Folks, lets applaud our new Grand Poo-Bah! (excited applause and cheers, Fred takes Evelyn's seat)

Evelyn: Thank you so much! I have waited a long time to wear this hat, and I have got great expectations for this coming year. I'm really looking forward to continuing all our great activities - like the food drive. (Bob looks proud) What did we do with all that food anyway, this year? (Confused looks pass between the club members.)

Annie: I think it went into storage.( Every one agrees)

Evelyn: Oh. Well, anyway, Celia, I'm afraid you're going to have some competition next year as I heard Didi just got a new hamster! (Didi nods as Celia looks worried) And now, I'll bet you'd all like to hear my new plans for next year. (Everyone nods) Well, in preparation for this event, I read through our charter, and I came across something I think we may have been missing recently. (confused mutters) It's just a little thing - but I think its important. The charter says that we are supposed to "actively recruit new members."

(The audience erupts)
Annie: But we don't have enough chairs!

Didi: Yeah! It'll be crowded!

Fred: And there won't be enough refreshments!

(This goes on for a bit - feel free to ad-lib)

Bob: (gets up and steals the mic from Evelyn) I just want to say that I am against adding any new members to our order, because I am in rotation next year to be Poo-Bah, and this could throw everything off! (Agreement from the audience)

Evelyn: (encountering far more dissent than she expected and looking for a way out) But - But - But! Hey Look! - It's the dessert cart!

The End






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