Tollbooth

Actors: 3
Reference: Matthew 5: The Sermon on the Mount
Notes: This is the first of a series of 12 or more skits centering on the Sermon on the Mount.

Full Script

[View Synopsis Only]
Scene: Horace and June are on a road trip in Horaces car. Horace is looking for a place to put down roots and June is trying to sell him on her street.

Horace: So, June, tell me again just what it is that makes you think I should build my house on your street?

June: Well, Horace, I thought wed been over this before. My street is really the only one you should even consider. Its filled with nice people, its got plenty of real estate, and you can find literally everything youve ever needed on this route

Horace: Really. I dont know. I mean, I looked it up on the map and it seemed pretty narrow seems a little confining if you catch my drift. And there certainly doesnt seen to be much traffic not a real popular choice Im guessing.

June: Oh, well it certainly isnt as wide as one of these crazy 6-lane freeways you can get on around here. And Ill admit that there arent nearly as many people on it as perhaps there ought to be. But Ive been living there for several years now, and you can take my word for it: Its simply the only road that takes you to where you want to go.

Horace: Hmmm well, I must admit youve got my curiosity up. I guess I could at least take a look. How do we get there?

June: (gesturing) The turn-offs just up ahead just pull right over to that booth up there.

Horace: (pulls up to the booth. Looks around and sees no one. Finally) Honk Honk!

June: You know, Horace, it might be more effective if youd actually honk the horn instead of just saying Honk really loud.

Horace: (sees Operator coming) No, it worked here comes the operator.

Operator: Good evening sir. Welcome to The Way!

Horace: Oh, uh, hi. Uh, wed like a couple of burgers, a large fry and (turns to June) What do you want to drink?

June: (has been whispering furiously to Horace, trying to stop him from making a fool of himself, now completely thrown off) Uh, I like diet, but I dont think

Horace: (Cutting off June) One large regular Coke and a diet.

Operator: Uh, sir, not to disrespect your understandable hunger in any way, but I dont think that should be top on your list of priorities here at this toll booth! (points to the sign)

Horace: (slaps his forehead) Oh. Duh! How silly of me! Of course Every road has a toll both! What do I owe you?

Operator: (points outside the window to the digital fare readout.) Its right here on the sign.

June: Horace, Ive told you about this

Horace: (Not paying a lick of attention to June. Eyes bug out) Holy Cow! Is that really there fare? I mean, isnt there a decimal in the wrong place or something?

Operator: Oh no sir. The readout is quite accurate.

Horace: But a million bucks! (fumbles for his wallet) I dont think Ive got that much on me!

June: Horace, I told you about this. You dont have

Horace: No, wait a minute. (climbs out of the car) Just let me search under the seat cushions here and see what Ive got

June: Horace, youre not going to find that much in your seat

Horace: Hmm well I seem to have about 150 K here.

June: (her own eyes bugging out) 150 K! Wow! You must have been on an awful lot of road trips!

Horace: Well, Ive had this car for a long time. (Looks back to the Operator) Is this going to do it?

Operator: Im sorry sir, but thats only about 15% of your toll.

Horace: (Dissapointed) Oh. Well (brightens) I know! At lots of the other tollbooths around here theyll let you do a talent if you havent got the fare. (Reaches back in the car) Now just a minute here

Operator: Uh sir

Horace: No, wait, youre going to like this. (Produces some imaginary juggling balls) I can simultaneously juggle all 5 of these balls

June: He can juggle really well, too!

Horace: and sing the national anthem!

June: Oh, Horace, are you sure you have to sing?

Operator: Sir!

Horace: (Not listening. Begins juggling) Oh Say! Can you see, by the dawns early (reaches for a ball, changes key) light, what so proudly we (reaches again, looses the key some more) hailed, at the (completely looses it keeps trying to juggle two balls)

Operator: Sir, you lost your ball over there.

Horace: (Bruised but not beaten) Yeah I know! (puts his hand under his short and beings attempting to make arm farts.) This was really popular back in high school!

June: Horace!

Operator: Sir! Sir! That is so Jr. High!

Horace: Oh, was it junior high? Oh well, I used to be able to do it anyway Hmm

June: Horace, Ive been trying to tell you

Horace: (still not beaten) I know! (reaches back into the car and pulls out his cup) Here. Im going to take my cup of water and drink it through my nose.

Operator: (Has had more than enough) SIR! (finally jolts Horace off his track) This is NOT a talent booth!

Horace: (chagrinned) Oh. How embarrassing. I see. This isnt a talent booth, its a trivia booth. Yeah! Kinda like that game show uh, uh, millionaire something.

June: "So You Want To Be A Millionaire?"

Operator: So I look like Regis Philbin?!?

Horace: Well, I didnt want to say anything but Yeah! That one! You ask me questions, and if I get em right then I get to go past!

Operator: I dont think

June: Oh, go ahead and play along. Itll make him feel better.

Operator: Play along?

June: Yeah! Here ask him that one from last night the one about the mushrooms.

Operator: Mushrooms?

June: Yeah, you know, which of these is not a mushroom

Operator: Oh, OK. (turns to Horace) Which of the following is not a mushroom? The Moroe, the Endive, the Shitake [she-tahk-ay], or the portabello?

Horace: One of those is not a mushroom?

June: Yeah, Horace, youve got to figure

Horace: Ok, Ok, Pass!

Operator: Pass? You cant pass! You loose all your money when you pass!

Horace: But I havent got any to loose yet. Come on, its not the real game, just go on to the next question.

Operator: Oh, all right. (hunts around for a question.) OK, in the movie Star Wars, which of the following characters did Harrison Ford play?

June: Oh good, youll get this one!

Operator: Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, R2-D2, or Princess Leia?

Horace: (ticks each one off as it goes by. Face falls.) Uh, Harrison Ford was a Cylon!

Operator: A Cylon?

Horace: Oh, that was Battle Star Galactica. Ok, pass give me the next one.

Operator: (A little exasperated) What was Fred Flinstones first name?

Horace: Uh, Harvey?

June: Horace!

Operator: (very sarcastic) Is that your final answer?

Horace: (end of his rope.) All right! Ok! I give up! I am obviously not the smartest guy to come by here. Im not the most talented, or the richest, or the most famous, or even the most handsome.

June: You can say that again.

Horace: Hush, you! Anyway, what Im trying to say is this: June here has got me really keyed up and interested in this road, and I really want to go down it, but its clear I cannot pay the fare. What can I do?

Operator: All you had to do was ask.

Horace: Huh? Now dont play games with me.

June: I tried to tell you about this

Operator: No, seriously. Look down at the meter.

Horace: Um, you seem to have something wrong with your sign. Its turned all to zeros.

Operator: No, theres nothing wrong. Your toll has seriously dropped to zero.

Horace: (stares dumbfounded.) Look! (points to himself) This look of total confusion on my face is your key to tell me whats going on.

Operator: Ok, since you clearly didnt listen to your friend there when she told you the story, Ill tell you again. Once, a very long time ago, the guy who owned this road realized that no-one was able to get past this booth no one had $1,000,000. So, he sent his son down to travel this road, and when he came to the tollbooth he paid everyones tolls.

Horace: No way! Everyones tolls? That must have been a really steep price!

June: Horribly steep.

Operator: Oh, it was. But he paid it willingly, and now everyone who comes by here and asks can go right on through without paying. You can thank him on up the road youll meet him there.

Horace: Really. You mean youre just going to raise that gate and let me through and (looks behind) Ive been keeping all those people back there waiting for nothing?

June: Yeah.

Operator: Dont worry about it, were used to it.

Horace: Wow. OK, then, I guess well be on our way Oh, do you still have those burgers?

June: Horace! I told you this wasnt a drive through!

Operator: (turns away) just a moment. (Hands a bag of food through the window) Here you are.

Horace: (In triumph to a shocked June) See?

Operator: All you had to do was ask.

Horace: And our drinks?

Operator: Oh, here. (Hands them in)

June: I cant believe it.

Horace: Well, thanks. I guess well be going now.

Operator: Uh, sir?

Horace: I knew there was a catch! It had to be too good to be true!

Operator: No, the toll is paid but theres still no free lunch. You owe me $3.87.

Horace: (Sheepish) Oh, sorry. (pulls out some cash) Heres $4.00.

Operator: Thank you, and heres your change.