Clerks

Actors: Three
Reference: 1 Cor 10:13
Notes: Sorry about the "human filth" bit near the end - Doug seemd bound and determined to include this particularly unpleasent way of dying in 3-4 skits in a row.

Synopsis

The scene opens with two bored clerks standing behind their counters in a department store. It has begun to snow outside, and the store is quite empty. Alice, who works the jewelry counter, is trying on expensive necklaces. She asks Erica if she is ever tempted to steal makeup from her counter, and Erica admits that she is but she always overcomes the impulse by praying for God to give her the strength to resist. Alice claims that this is how she, too, deals with temptation, but that her prayer goes something like God, if you dont want me to have this necklace, make a customer come in right now. Erica is not so sure this is a good way of dealing with things, however she admits that she is also tempted to supplement her paycheck by loosing a few large bills or checks from her till, but always prays for help and receives it. Alice is glad she mentioned this, because she has also been leaving the back door unlocked every once in a while so her boyfriend can get in for some after hours shopping. Of course, each time she prays that it will blow shut if it is Gods will. Erica counters that with all her High School shop knowledge, shes been tempted to sneak into the auto shop and build herself a car. However, God has helped her resist. Alice, on the other hand, admits that she learned in Chemistry how to build high explosives with nothing but household chemicals and has been using the basement storeroom to do so the income received from selling these to third world countries is quite substantial. About this time, Ted the manager walks in. Time to lean is time to clean he announces, quite to Erica and Alices disgust. He then quite casually leans against a counter and begins to tell a story about his older brother. Seems he was in politics a few years back, and was seized with the terrible temptation to spread some dirty (and untrue) rumors about his opponent in the upcoming election to the local newspaper. Alice applauds this strategy. However, this brother was a little conscience-stricken, and as he began to cross the street prayed that If God didnt want him to do any muckraking that he should make his feet freeze to the ground right then and there. Alice is also all for this approach. Of course, his feet to not freeze, but as he steps of the curb, a bus heads around the corner and right for him. Much to Ericas relief, the bus does not hit him, but unfortunately, in dodging the bus he manages to fall right into a open manhole where he proceeds to drown in a river of human filth. After various exclamations of horror and disgust, Alice bursts out how awful it must have been to loose his brother in such a way. Who? asks Ted. Oh, I dont really have a brother I was just making that story up to see if you might confess to a few things. It turns out, of course, that there is both an audio and a visual security system in the store, and Ted had been listening to the clerks entire discussion. He further explains that Alice is fired, wanted by the police as an accomplice to her boyfriends thefts, and oh, by the way, the FBI has the building surrounded. Erica, on the other hand, will be given a much-deserved promotion to manger. Alice complains loudly that this is completely unfair, and finally proclaims that she isnt leaving without her bomb.