Lifeboat

Actors: 5 Reference: I Peter 3:15-16 Notes: If you like props, a pamphlet to wave, and/or a sandwich board for the Salesman to wear labeled "Lifeboat Tickets" would be good.

Full Script

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Setting: The Titanic. The Salesman is attempting to give people lifeboat tickets as they board.

Salesman: Tickets! Tickets! Come get your FREE Lifeboat Tickets! (etc.)

Passenger 1: Lifeboat tickets? What are you trying to sell here?

Salesman: Nothing! These tickets are free! Here -- would you like one?

Passenger 1: You've got to be kidding! This is the Titanic -- you know, the unsinkable ship? The triumph of technology! Why in the world would I need a Lifeboat ticket? Next thing I know you'll be wanting me to come to safety lectures! (walks off)

Salesman: (shouts after him) Fine! Just drown then! See if I care! But that water's gonna be cold! You'll be sorry you don't have one of these later on! Just you wait! (addressing the ceiling) Why is everyone so foolish?

(Passenger 2 walks on stage. The Salesman wheels on her)

Salesman: Like you! Receive your ticket now, or drown with the rest! The Judgment of the Sea will come upon you!

Passenger 2: (Sarcastically) Thank you so much for those insults. Maybe if you'd taken the time to talk to me before you started in with the abuse, you'd have found out I already have a ticket. I got it from the guy at the end of the gangplank. Although if I have to share a lifeboat with you, I'm not so sure I really want one!

Salesman: (Sheepishly) Oh, uh, sorry. I didn't mean that you were one of the stupid ones - I mean I did, but I didn't know you had a ticket - I mean...

Passenger 2: Forget it. Just don't get on my lifeboat when the time comes. Just how many of those have you given away, anyway? (Stalks off.)

Salesman: (Shouts after her) Sorry again! I didn't really mean it! (To himself) Oh Man! What am I doing wrong here? (Passenger 3 walks up to the Salesman, waiting for his attention. If possible, he should be dressed shabbily)

Salesman: Yeah?

Passenger 3: Um, I'm not much of a swimmer. I think I'd kinda like to have one of those tickets please.

Salesman: (Looks him up and down. Sarcastically) Really? Let me see your boarding pass.

Passenger 3: I know, it's for 3^rd class, but you said the lifeboat tickets were free, right?

Salesman: Um, yeah. Sure. But there's a different lifeboat ticket booth for you guys down in steerage. You really ought to go there.

Passenger 3: But there's a really long line...

Salesman: Look, I'm sure there is, but that's where you're going to have to go. My job is to give out tickets to first class passengers only, and as we have already established, that is not you. Now, if you'll excuse me... (Spots Passenger 4 coming up behind) Lifeboat tickets! (Passenger 3 wanders away)

Passenger 4: Uh, I'm not sure I need one of those. I mean, this is the Titanic! Tell me, just why are you giving these out?

Salesman: Well, uh, uh ... Because it's in the safety manual! Yeah! See, right here it says: Every passenger shall be offered a lifeboat ticket upon boarding.

Passenger 4: I figured you were going to say something like that. Look, if you can't give me a better reason than the say-so of some ancient safety manual probably written 50 years ago for those puny little ships that sink every week or two, I'm afraid I'm not interested. (walks off)

Salesman: But -- But! They're really important! (To himself) Man! I wonder why I can't give any of these things away! (checks his shirt, possibly his fly, breathes into his hand) Oh man! I've got something in my teeth! No wonder! (removes it.) Lifeboat tickets! Get you Lifeboat tickets!